I love my bestie. so much.
my friends are amazing. I hope I'm making friends here. it's hard for me to tell - it's not usually too instantaneous with me (except for bestie! but even that wasn't completely instantaneous as we had hung out before, just never actually been the only ones). I'm just so socially inept. quiet. observant. obsessive. judgemental. loving. caring. wanting. veg. home-loving. dancing. musical. there. not all of those things are examples of my social ineptness, but the first one is. I'm just chronically shy. although sometimes now not so much. I went out on Friday - shocking, I know - with three lovely people. to Mahiki. where the sexy slinking socialites go to blow off money and steam. and where we go to watch these people and chill and feel cool. and drink out of conch shells and treasure chests. we didn't do the treasure chest, but have decided it's worth it to go back for it.
Jeff. Megan. Lauren. Lisa. Christina. Bryan. MJ. Mich R. Leslie. Alex. Rachel. Kelsey. LeeAnne.
I'm sure I could call some people here my "friends" but I want to know what's happening next semester. who will I really end up seeing again and not just exchanging awkward words with when we run into each other in the DH?
when the night comes. and no one knows. i can feel it. it've got my private radio.
I'm writing here because I have a 3000 word paper due tomorrow which I'm having problems really starting to write. I just need to start. I figured this might help, getting the other things swirling around in my head out in the open. or out into the vast blogosphere. oh, internet. my friend asked why I have a blog if no one knows about it/reads it. I think it's because so people can read it. if I want them to. or if they somehow come across it. or read it on my comp screen and go to check it out. or randos come across it through blogger. just keeping my thoughts in a word document (ie. journal) just seems like they're still inside of me and not truely out in the open. not really gone from the madness of my mind.
London is a beautiful city. my mother is in town. I'm glad. I took her to Southbank today because I didn't feel like doing the typical tourist walk and there's always something going down there. I love being able to navigate the tube without having to really look at a map. and knowing my way around stations. and where to go when I exit stations. I'm finally acclimated. today on Southbank we walked around the Slow Food market - I got some bread and cheese and pears! - and saw a photography exhibition in the Royal Concert Hall which was also hosting some of the Jazz Fastival bands. so many people there. so many hip people. like Austin, but a tad more pretencious. but is it? maybe not. I felt at home. because of the hat I got at Camden Town on Friday.
triple trip to Camden on Friday! so fun- Lisa and Carolyn are the best. I love our triple. even with our lack of space. it's fun. and we've got such different personalities and interests. my flat has helped me branch out. nice.
lover you knew you had to let me go even after all these years.
I love the Baker Street tube station. freaking awesome. the various lines have different scenes from different Sherlock Holmes stories on the walls. and the tiles in the entry have Sherlock's silouette on them. and it's classic mixed with a bit of contemporary. and I just love public transport in all of its glory. the people. I love train stations. so many people. love it.
go green. what is this "green" concept anyway? how can one be green? I'm green! what does that even mean? surely it means different things to different people. I can't just use that word to describe myself and expect people to understand the various aspects and minute differences that constitute my green-ness from that of others. or why. why I am that way is so difficult to explain to people without getting overly emotional or without the other person interrupting with excuses as to why they are not that way or why they don't do certain things. my vegetarian-ness is not an attack on your lifestyle, so why do you feel so guilty? it's not like I won't talk to you ever again. we can still be friends. I like it when people don't push the issue.
actually, a lot of people here have been pretty chill about it. it's nice. people in the program. when Mich N made our flat dinner she made a seperate dish without meat in it. nice. and when Alex made dinner for Mich R and I he left the chicken out until I got my portion- so nice. it was really fun to work with/hang out with those two.
nice.
nice nice nice. so much nicer in Nice! I heart Diana. and Josh. and The Boyfriend. and junior/senior year musical experiences. I miss it so much.
we're back. we're back in san fransisco.
we're back.
and you tell me I am home.
I know I'll miss this semester so much when it's over. just like I miss last year. and last summer- oh man, last summer. it's painful how much I miss it. I really hope I am able to retain some friendships from this semester. in London. so that I will be able to remember it well. (how emo is this blog?!) :-)
and the only one I come undone for is you.
I like someone. which, as I was explaining to bestie, is the most annoying thing to me. I don't enjoy having pointless emotions... actually, I don't believe there are such things as pointless emotions, so scratch that last. it's just, annoying. but I don't know. enjoyable. and angering. and frustrating. and fun. and funny. and cute. and smile-inducing. and self-doubt inducing. and brings up the past; should I go for it? what does that even mean? how can I just allow things to progress as they will. should I see what happens? are these feelings for real? all feelings are real.
heroes and thieves at my door. I can't seem to tell them apart anymore.
and just when I've figured it out... darling, it's you I'm without.
______
Vanessa Carlton: Private Radio
also: Heroes and Thieves, Come Undone, San Francisco, Spring Street
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