once upon a time, I believe it was a Tuesday when I caught your eye...

once upon a time:

- I wished for love.
- I wished for motivation.
- I wished for confidence.
- I wished I weren't the awkwardest. person. ever.
- I wished all of my friends weren't not here with me.
- I wished I could figure out how to make new friends again. good ones.
- I wished I was a bit thinner.
- I wished I wasn't the worst procrastinator of all time.
- I wished.

but where does wishing get us? I mean, really. I wished the world would get greener... but wait - I think it is! kind of! let's get down to business. the business of... wishing? no... of working for what we wish for! this is an odd post.

you said forever and always. you didn't mean it baby. (you can thank Joe Jonas for dumping Taylor Swift... the resulting song - from Taylor's end - is incredible!)

Forever and Always - Taylor Swift

and in this night I do belong in harmony

I love my bestie. so much.

my friends are amazing. I hope I'm making friends here. it's hard for me to tell - it's not usually too instantaneous with me (except for bestie! but even that wasn't completely instantaneous as we had hung out before, just never actually been the only ones). I'm just so socially inept. quiet. observant. obsessive. judgemental. loving. caring. wanting. veg. home-loving. dancing. musical. there. not all of those things are examples of my social ineptness, but the first one is. I'm just chronically shy. although sometimes now not so much. I went out on Friday - shocking, I know - with three lovely people. to Mahiki. where the sexy slinking socialites go to blow off money and steam. and where we go to watch these people and chill and feel cool. and drink out of conch shells and treasure chests. we didn't do the treasure chest, but have decided it's worth it to go back for it.

Jeff. Megan. Lauren. Lisa. Christina. Bryan. MJ. Mich R. Leslie. Alex. Rachel. Kelsey. LeeAnne.

I'm sure I could call some people here my "friends" but I want to know what's happening next semester. who will I really end up seeing again and not just exchanging awkward words with when we run into each other in the DH?

when the night comes. and no one knows. i can feel it. it've got my private radio.

I'm writing here because I have a 3000 word paper due tomorrow which I'm having problems really starting to write. I just need to start. I figured this might help, getting the other things swirling around in my head out in the open. or out into the vast blogosphere. oh, internet. my friend asked why I have a blog if no one knows about it/reads it. I think it's because so people can read it. if I want them to. or if they somehow come across it. or read it on my comp screen and go to check it out. or randos come across it through blogger. just keeping my thoughts in a word document (ie. journal) just seems like they're still inside of me and not truely out in the open. not really gone from the madness of my mind.

London is a beautiful city. my mother is in town. I'm glad. I took her to Southbank today because I didn't feel like doing the typical tourist walk and there's always something going down there. I love being able to navigate the tube without having to really look at a map. and knowing my way around stations. and where to go when I exit stations. I'm finally acclimated. today on Southbank we walked around the Slow Food market - I got some bread and cheese and pears! - and saw a photography exhibition in the Royal Concert Hall which was also hosting some of the Jazz Fastival bands. so many people there. so many hip people. like Austin, but a tad more pretencious. but is it? maybe not. I felt at home. because of the hat I got at Camden Town on Friday.

triple trip to Camden on Friday! so fun- Lisa and Carolyn are the best. I love our triple. even with our lack of space. it's fun. and we've got such different personalities and interests. my flat has helped me branch out. nice.

lover you knew you had to let me go even after all these years.

I love the Baker Street tube station. freaking awesome. the various lines have different scenes from different Sherlock Holmes stories on the walls. and the tiles in the entry have Sherlock's silouette on them. and it's classic mixed with a bit of contemporary. and I just love public transport in all of its glory. the people. I love train stations. so many people. love it.

go green. what is this "green" concept anyway? how can one be green? I'm green! what does that even mean? surely it means different things to different people. I can't just use that word to describe myself and expect people to understand the various aspects and minute differences that constitute my green-ness from that of others. or why. why I am that way is so difficult to explain to people without getting overly emotional or without the other person interrupting with excuses as to why they are not that way or why they don't do certain things. my vegetarian-ness is not an attack on your lifestyle, so why do you feel so guilty? it's not like I won't talk to you ever again. we can still be friends. I like it when people don't push the issue.

actually, a lot of people here have been pretty chill about it. it's nice. people in the program. when Mich N made our flat dinner she made a seperate dish without meat in it. nice. and when Alex made dinner for Mich R and I he left the chicken out until I got my portion- so nice. it was really fun to work with/hang out with those two.

nice.

nice nice nice. so much nicer in Nice! I heart Diana. and Josh. and The Boyfriend. and junior/senior year musical experiences. I miss it so much.

we're back. we're back in san fransisco.
we're back.
and you tell me I am home.

I know I'll miss this semester so much when it's over. just like I miss last year. and last summer- oh man, last summer. it's painful how much I miss it. I really hope I am able to retain some friendships from this semester. in London. so that I will be able to remember it well. (how emo is this blog?!) :-)

and the only one I come undone for is you.

I like someone. which, as I was explaining to bestie, is the most annoying thing to me. I don't enjoy having pointless emotions... actually, I don't believe there are such things as pointless emotions, so scratch that last. it's just, annoying. but I don't know. enjoyable. and angering. and frustrating. and fun. and funny. and cute. and smile-inducing. and self-doubt inducing. and brings up the past; should I go for it? what does that even mean? how can I just allow things to progress as they will. should I see what happens? are these feelings for real? all feelings are real.

heroes and thieves at my door. I can't seem to tell them apart anymore.

and just when I've figured it out... darling, it's you I'm without.
______
Vanessa Carlton: Private Radio
also: Heroes and Thieves, Come Undone, San Francisco, Spring Street

that's just the way we roll - the Jonas Brothers

I really don't have time to be posting on here- but there's something I just have to write, maybe just to clear it up for myself- to attempt to put it into words.

I am now 20 years old. That sounds rediculous. A twenty-year-old is expected to be... what, exactly? Mature? Well if that's the case... ok. You probably won't be too pleased with me on that front. A little bit reckless? I thought that was for teenagers. Trying new things? Making mistakes? I'm a cautious one- I'll try new things, but making mistakes is not my cup of tea. At all. I feel guilty for things that I shouldn't and that's just the way I am.

So: Some of my friends and I were at Chili's on Saturday for my birthday dinner. It was fun and I love them all to death. Anyways... there were some children sitting at the booth behind us and some of the girls (aka Coll and BC) were making faces at them and whatnot. We start joking with Coll about how she's a cougar because she loves little boys, etc... but then they start making fun of me for liking the Jonas Brothers.

Now, admittedly, their target audience is probably somewhere in the 8-13-year-old range. Ok then. But the boys are 20, 18, and 15. And, ok, I used to think the 15-year-old was most attractive- then I found out he was 15. So much for that. But the other two are completely legal and it's not like I'm courting any of them. I happen to appreciate their music. Everyone likes that one Miley Cyrus song that's on the radio- she's only 15. How come people don't get made fun of for that? They may, but it's not as big of a deal as the Jonas Brothers. I guess the JoBros need a big hit (even though I have heard them on the actual radio) before it becomes acceptable for me to like them.

Why do I like them, though? And Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana? And watching the Disney channel? I'll tell you why.

I'm a serious person a lot of the time. I can get intense and I apologize for this if it's ever bothered anyone, but that's just the way I roll. I'm always reading about and trying to mobilize against things that are just so heartbreaking.; things that make this world barely tolerable. People are not the best beings- let me tell you. Whether it's the intensely cruel meat industry, genocide, other types of war, complete disregard for the people and environment of the Appalachian mountains by the coal industry, or complete disregard for the environment in general (ahem- Bush administration)- I'm constantly thinking about these things or trying to do something about them or inform people of them. And, believe me, this takes a toll on my overall person.

so why do I appreciate the Jonas Brothers (and Disney and such) as much as I do? Maybe it's because I need something that is inherently good. happy. fun. Watching Hannah Montana does not frustrate me. Listening to the Jonas Brothers and watching their rediculous YouTube videos makes me laugh. Maybe I need to laugh once in a while. NPR understands this (see: Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me) and you should too.

in conclusion: feel free to mock me, just understand where I'm coming from! and try some Jonas Brothers music out. You just may like it. It IS very catchy. (all three of the boys have pledged to remain virgins till marriage- just throwing it out there. :-) )

enjoy: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BEtm2TJTP7Y

say what you need to SAY

The following is from John Mayer's blog. read it. it's very, very good.


THURSDAY, MARCH 27, 2008

FROM THE HEART....

I need to write this.

I've been traveling alone in Japan for the better part of three weeks now, and It's been so remarkable an experience for me that I can't book a ticket home yet. I haven't spoken very much out loud these days, but I've been thinking to myself in what feels like surround sound. I can see so many things clearly, and feel so connected to myself and the world around me that I need to share the perspective with you.

I'm already aware that when I sing, say or write anything, 50 percent of the response will be in support of it and the other 50 will want to discount it. This blog, though, is directed to 100 percent of people reading it. If my blog truly does have any cultural effect, then it should be used for more than just pictures of sneakers and funny youtube videos. (If you don't think my blog has any effect, than you can't by definition be reading this right now and therefore don't have to respond to it in any way. Isn't that tidy?)

What I'm about to write isn't about fame or success or celebrity or the media. That's my business.

This is about us all.

This is about a level of self consciousness so high in my generation, that it's actually toxic.

This is about the girl in her bedroom who poses in front of the camera she's awkwardly holding in her outstretched hand. She'll take a hundred photos until coming up with one she's happy with, which inevitably looks nothing like her, and after she's done poring over images of herself, will post one on her myspace page and then write something like " I don't give a f*ck what you think about me."

This is about the person trying out for American Idol, who while going off about how confident they are that they were born ready to sing in front of the world, are trembling so badly they can hardly breathe.

This is about me, the guy who walks through a throng of photographers into a restaurant like he's Paul Newman, but who leaves a "reject" pile of clothes in his closet so high that his cleaning lady can't figure out how one man can step into so many pairs of pants in a week.

This is about a young guy who maintains a celebrity blog that subsists on tearing other people down but who has wrestled with a lifelong battle for acceptance as a gay man.


This is about us all. Every one of us. Who all seem to know deep down that it's incredibly hard to be alive and interact with the world around us but will try and cover it up at any cost. For as badass and unaffected as we try to come off, we're all just one sentence away from being brought to the edge of tears, if only it was worded right. And I don't want to act immune to that anymore. I took the biggest detour from myself over the past year, since I decided that I wasn't going to care about what people thought about me. I got to the point where I had so much padding on that, sure, I couldn't feel the negativity, but that's because I couldn't feel much of anything. And I think I'm done with that.

I'm not the first person to admit we're all self conscious, Kanye was. But what I want to do is to shed a little light on why we're all in the same boat, no matter the shape of the life we lead: because every one of us were told since birth that we were special. We were spoken to by name through a television. We were promised we could be anything that we wanted to be, if only we believed it and then, faster than we saw coming, we were set loose into the world to shake hands with the millions of other people who were told the exact same thing.

And really? Really? It turns out we're just not all that special, when you break it down. Beautifully unspectacular, actually. And that truth is going to catch up with us whether we want to run from it or not. The paparazzo following me to the gym ain't gonna be Herb Ritts and the guy he's following ain't gonna be Bob Dylan. It's just a matter of how old you are once you embrace that fact. And for me, 30 sounds about right.

What now, then? I can only really say for myself: Enjoy who I am, the talents and the liabilities. Stop acting careless. In fact, care more. Be vulnerable but stay away from where it hurts. Read. See more shows. Of any kind. Rock shows, art shows, boat shows. Create more art. Wear hoodies to dinner. Carry a notebook and hand it to people when they passionately recommend something and ask them to write it down for me.

Root for others.

Give more and expect the same in return, but over time.

Act nervous when I'm nervous, puzzled when I don't know what the hell to do, and smile when it all goes my way. And never in any other order than that.

And when it's all over, whether at the end of this fabulous career or of this life, which I hope takes place at the same time, I should look back and say that I had it good and I made the most of it while I was able. And so should you.

I'm going quiet now.

John

POSTED BY JOHN MAYER AT 09:58 AM FROM ...